Westcoast Kickball League

In the Westcoast Kickball League, the phrase “everybody wins” is astoundingly rejected. The League encourages deep, dark rivalries, intractable grudges, and an obsessive, unhealthy desire to achieve kickball supremacy; however, the League also fosters not hitting others in the head, wherein lies a paradox. With these two contradicting ethics, the League is asking teams to view playing as an act that scrapes and caresses the deepest, darkest parts of their insides, leading humans to duel in the ultimate struggle of life: Ego Fulfillment vs. Ego Destruction.

1. No hitting people in the head, like hard.
2. No “methamphetamine” pitching. The pitcher’s job is to roll the ball over the plate, breezy like a unicorn.
3. At the plate, four foul balls and you’re out.There are no “balls” and “strikes”.
4. No stealing and no lead-offs. You can tag up after a ball is caught, resulting in an out, even if that catch is in foul territory.
5. Respect the No-Go Zone.
6. No sincere crying, unless you’re passing a kidney stone.
7. The Umpires are the Alphas and the Omegas, dude or dudette.
8. FACE KONTROL! your team needs a uniform, and every member should wear it. “Uniform” can be interpreted how you like, but it should be visible. Matching thongs are nice, but we need to see them.
9. Batting list + field list = a game where another team won’t bitch at you for only playing your 2 meatiest biggest dudes. ROTATE all your players or die.
10. 6 members of your team need to show up to play, otherwise you forfeit a game. Even that is not really enough, spiritually.  At least one member of each sex must be playing when your team is in the field.

11. The team with the best taunt wins the first point of the game OR the call of home field advantage. You get to say “gimme a point” or “gimme the call of who’s up first”. If you choose the point, the other team gets the choice of home field advantage.

12. New 2007  If neither team wishes to participate in a skit competition, or both Captains agree to it, then an alternative start to the game is a Boat Race.  A Boat race consists of five members from each team, lined up with one ”beverage” each.  When everyone is ready the umpire says go, and the first person in line for each team chugs the “beverage”, when they have drained their “beverage”, the next person in line may begin drinking their “beverage”.  This continues until the fifth person finishes, and whichever team is first gets the right to choose home field advantage.

Here we go everyone. This our new site, under way. Remember to send me your checks by May 15th to make sure your team gets recognized. And remember our new rule about the best costume and taunt giving one team a point at the beginning of the game.

Sarah, commish