Email me if you want to contact any of the captains on this list to try and get on a team!
Opening day June 3rd, University Park (where we had it last year) 1-9.
love,
commish, Sarah
TEAM ATARI
Bud and Steve, captains.
This team is based on that beloved old game with the slightly pornographic joystick that my older Christian babysitter looked uncomfortable around when I handled; their ebullient nostalgia demonstrates their age, and their lack of social interaction with the universe. Lets just say it—they’ve based their identity this summer around a video game system. Bud and Steve return, fresh from burning their Private School Punks uniforms in Bud’s “workout” room, and putting up new wallpaper to change the feel of that basement—I mean workout room—to create a nice new game room in all of our lives. Look forward to characters such as AssRoids, Dig Dug, Frogger, the Personal Space Invader, and the Joystick Wonder. I especially look forward to one of those characters very, very much.
BALL DEEP
Lindsey and Pam, captains.
What have Champain Jammm been doing since their amazing winning season of last year? Getting pumped to beat everyone again, all the while with smiles on their faces and a good-spirited comradare for those they play. Yup. Except for Lindsey, who is the new co-captain of Ball Deep, who intends to air guitar his way through our tear-stricken eyes. He has strategy, he proclaims. And style. Every piece of pink and gold spandex still remains in Pam’s craft closet but the good fashionistas that they are, Ball Deep want NEW FASHION. Ball Deep will be the one to take these new rules into action. Sure they can’t kick worth a damn, but you know that their dance off in the beginning of each game, their taunt on your moral character, each opportunity to take you over without running the bases, will be poignant and well executed. I joke. They can run and kick better than anyone. Really. Expect nothing from them, and expect everything. Including the old Commish, the man I love/hate more than I can see, Todd “I ran a team called Hallelujah Joy on the Mountain and no one has had an innovative name since” Arkley. “Home Run?” I think so.
DANGER MOUSTACHE
Floyd, captain.
Dear Floyd, no I don’t have your double sided black dildo, so stop IMing me about it. And no, I don’t want to be a “breeder,” whatever that is. What to say, what to say? Lets just ask questions instead: Who will muffle the cries of his miserable day in his beer the most this year? Who will yell the loudest at the team members that fuck up? Who will be on this list of “groupies” and “paparazzi” I received from the DM in the mail? Who will be cleaning up the mess of sweaty boys at the bar after each game? But really,
Who will IM the most dangerous thing first? And who, WHO
Who will get pregnant next?
DARKSIDE
captains, Amy and Heidi.
Lord knows I love a jell-o shot. Therefore, my bias towards this team is profound. Adulation I will dole, affirmation I will dispense. Not because I think having a Star Trek team is novel, but because I am a glutton. GLUTT-ON. So when they show up with cookies and jell-o shots in the little bitty perfectly constructed plastic shot cups that they included in a cooler to keep them cold and delicious, I will award them points. Tip to teams: BEAT THEM IN THE BEGINNING WITH BAKED GOODS AND WE ALL WIN. This Star Trek team should really just call themselves the Moms, or the Bakers, or the Diet-Killers. And before any dungeon masters email me about the Darkside referencing Star Wars and not Star Trek, you are WRONG.
FIST OF THE KICKBALL
Jeff, captain.
This team was not on my fav list last year, so much so that this year I actually sought out other teams to take their place this year. HATE myself, right? This team last year was called Kung Fu Street Hustlers. Why, oh why did they irk me so? Well, they had a game in the finals, and they actually forfeited it because their team didn’t show up. And what for? “Work.” This is what Todd Arkley has to say about that: You should quit your job if kickball is important to you. If anyone is looking for a team to join, please join this one. Change the way they show up on the field, beef up the team, their fashion, their spirits, and their ability to be loved. Besides all the shit I just talked, they are a group of nice people who are not bad players, and they’re drinkers. All be it a small group. And fist of the kickball? I don’t know what that is. Just make it amazing, please. If you’re looking for a team, this is a good team that could have extra people on it. That fist betta be snappin’, dawg! Look at me talking with the slang!
JACKASS
Heidi, captain.
This team was a member of the WKL the season before last and let me tell you, they LOVE a light beer. You hand them a cheap light beer in a coolie and it will be consumed faster than the calories that drift up to heaven from the distillery. Oh, and whiskey–they like whiskey. This year I hope to see them in uniforms and showing up on time to play with a reasonable amount of people. Why? Because they are actually good. And cute, and the trailers they crawled out of to climb on the field need some airing out. I kid. No, but really, they are drunk on light beer. Jealous they look better than you? Then beat them, just try. What does their name mean? I dunno. Use of that question in their field antics will be much appreciated. This team also had a few “issues” with getting the appropriate amount of people on the field. But this year they claim to have spent the year in therapy, resolving this issue. Still, I say if you’re looking for a team, this is not a bad one to email.
JAMES AND THE GIANT MEAT
James and Crystal, captains.
This is probably gonna gross me out quite a bit. Are they a meat-themed team or a “meat” themed team? You got me? Question: Ground round or penis? Maybe if they just called themselves James and the Meat the problems will be solved. Well, maybe not. Then the question survives: how big is the meat/”meat”? Either way, this captain is our WKL tech God, so I can’t upset him or he’ll send a virus through our whole enterprise on-line. So let me tell you, this meat and “meat” is especially large, and filling as it is satisfying. It satiates that “hunger” you might be having. I heard also that Crystal did a strip tease with crafted crabs on her breasts. That’s just weird. This whole enterprise is gonna be weird. Hopefully the giant meatiness of this team doesn’t keep them sluggish on the field, but instead propels them from base to base like a giant delicious pogo stick. Mmmmmmm. Pogo. Stick. James dissented from the Champain Jammm to start this one, and let me tell you, as I said about Andy dissenting from the Moustache last year to start Hell Toupee, dissenting from the top is so much sexier than dissenting from the bottom. Oh wait….which team was on top again?
KEY-TAR-DED
Andy, captain.
What have Hell Toupee been doing after their moving, graceful wins of last year? Nothing. Well, Andy and Ingo got engaged to combat the pain of delusions within them that their team was actually winning last year. And graceful. Lets be honest. What was this team the most? Naked. That’s about it. And this year, they take what the Champain Jammm have given them with a taunt from the past. They take their ascribed identity like it’s their live blood—they are KEYTARDED. And that is all they are. Well maybe still naked. This is a team of very insecure people, so when someone talks down to them, they really believe it, and in fact base a whole new season off of it. What can you expect from this team? Keytars. Eastern European style synthesized with sauerkraut and mayonnaise. Oh, and a little birdie told me that Matt from the Dead Yuppies joined this team, and Matt in combo with Zvonko Bogdan will control the whole outfield. Good for the rest of the team, who will be busy stretching in their thongs (shudder).
THE OLD PEOPLE
JT and Katie, captains.
Dear Commissioner of the Westcoast Kickball League,
Sal and I—my name is Martha—recently moved to Magnolia in Seattle from Florida. We really want to meet some new nice people that we can play canasta and do mall walking with. Seeing as how this Seattle area is all about young whippersnappers and their Extreme sports we are having a hard time finding activities that are more our speed. We stumbled upon your kickball website when we were searching for geriatric wellness and we think it might be up our alley. What with Sal’s hip and my bladder control problems, we need something that is a bit low key and not too athletic. And we all know that kickball isn’t a real sport, so we’d really like to join. We hear you enjoy some nice friendly competition and allow for some whining, and seeing as how we’re 87, we just love to whine, but mostly about customer service and the young people’s drug use. Can we whine about that this year? We heard you had a troubled young woman running the league last year—she really sounds like a bad seed—so if she is involved, please disregard our letter and may the Lord above forgive you all.
Regards,
Sal and Martha Karilovich
PIRATES
Danielle, captain.
This team has been around from the start and not much needs to be said about them. The team is full of some of the most genuinely nice people on the league, and the captain is my pick for coolest captain in WKL. Danielle works those bodies right, assigns places promptly and keeps coming back. Whatever she’s doing must be working because last year they beat the Danger Moustache—a huge feat for a team that started off the first season as the worst team on the league. They keep getting better, and I’d bet that this year they take it all, or at least get close. Their theme is obvious and repeated—so how about it Pirates? Bring some new Pirate-y flare this year—maybe you’re pirates from the Caribbean, maybe you’re Bootylicious, maybe someone is the “Butt Pirate,” or maybe you don’t shower or brush your teeth for the entire season—first one to get scurvy gets $100 from the League!!
TEAM ILLYUMZHINOV
captain, Ilyumzhinov, leader of the Kalmyk region of Russia.
This is an imaginary team, although if anyone wants to change their team to this one, you will get my full support and $100.
Hello, WKL, vat is new? Hav yu red my new buk about my live called The President’s Crown of Thorns? Nyet? Vell then, let me tell yu dat dis buk is about a great man you should learn from, with chapter titles like “How to kill a man in 2 weeks” and “I become a millionare” and “Duality” and “Do you want to become a stool-pigeon, Kirsan?” Dis buk is good. I am the President of the World Chess Organization (FIDE) and I keep friends like Qaddafi and Hussein, whose countries I try to have chess match in, but chess players don’t do. I like Animal Planet on the Satellite and Bobby Fisher. I am Buddhist and make Dalai Lama and Saddam Hussein hero equal in my mind. I am spiritual man with pictures of myself at Kalmyk airport. I kill people, but this is not me killing, I am Buddhist and like dis thing peace, so I have Ruski peasant kill for me. All sheep farmers in my country have own cellphones! This is from my many money.