Westcoast Kickball League

Jackass 2/0 Darkside 1/0 Old People 1/0 Pirates 1/0 Danger Moustache 1/0 Keytarded 0/1 Atari 0/1 James and the Giant Meat 0/1 Ball Deep 0/1 Fist of the Kickball 0/2 If any of these are wrong, let me know.

Reflections: Each team that won the opening taunt/fashion statement, lost the game. Interesting. The Pirates have an awesome water balloon launcher that will come in handy once it gets hot. The Danger Moustache are still annoyingly competent. Shotgunning beer fixed between captain Heidi’s (Jackass) breasts is like suckling from God’s best whore. Why waltz when you can rock n roll? FOTK’s theme is not martial arts; in fact they are a team based on anal fisting. Who knew? Every team this year has captured and rescued my heart from the full winter.You are all so perfect!

Darkside 8 Atari 6 What a great game to open with. The taunts flew, the baked goods floated around, and the dorkiness of game lovers was the highlighted fare. You know, there isn’t much difference between star trek-loving people and video game aficionados. They are equally dork, and come from a small city called Dork Town. The game was tight the entire game, and although Atari won the opening taunt, they lost their dignity, as the Darkside won the FINAL JAM!! to take the glory, the horrible sweet glory. Did anyone notice that the Darkside look more like 14 year old Madonna fans this year? Madge is certainly the Darkside, if YOU’RE CATHOLIC.

Jackass 11 James and the Giant Meat 4 This game freaked me out. Why? Well, to open with, a team of all pinkish and red shades of raw meat came onto the field–someone actually in a RAW PORKCHOP OUTFIT and they “killed” and “ass” and “blood” poured out everywhere. It was glorious. And gross. How did Jackass, the team from season 2 which has returned as unorganized, and uniformless as ever, respond? They poured cups full of a gallon jug of margarita they brought. And laughed. This is why I love Jackass and I regret they didn’t get in last year’s season. They are too unorganized to show up on time, get uniforms, get the correct number of players, but are willful enough to buy a gallon jug, make margaritas, bring cups, and kiss your ass on the field. They are amazing, lovely beings of light. James and TGM? Well, they freak me out, and as our WKL logo states: It turns me on when you’re weird.

the Old People 17 Ball Deep 6 What an odd sight to see–fashionable beauties taking over one dugout with BBQ, props, balls, bright colors, and sprightly laughter, while on the other side: big butted elderly with a few wheelchairs, canes, and all with a long island accent. Apparently if you’re old, you’re Jewish and from Long Island. This was the hardest taunt to judge, as Ball Deep really taunted the fuck out of OP, but OP had such amazing fashion, such incredible makeup and saunters. Their response to BD’s taunts? “Huh, I can’t hear you.” Amazing. The first game to use the “10 run rule per inning”, this was a fun, crazy game to watch, as elderly crowded the home plate and teal/orange fairies frolicked to bases like 4 year old. My favorite teams are here.

Pirates 12 Fist of the Kickball 11 What can possibly beat taunt made with a pirate collage on wheels, a water balloon launcher, and a crowd of jeering sea mongers approaching the field? Only one thing: a group of people with fists on their shirts lining up and simulating fisting a pirate woman in the ass, pulling out a “bloody intestine” and watching her cower in disgust and pain. Oh. My. God. Bud and I watched this spectacle, the whole time saying “wait, are they…no,no…what was I thinking?” and then BAM. Butt Fisting. We turned to each other in shock and awe. Like in a war, we proclaimed the winner the one with the bloodiest goriest count, but I don’t see another time that water balloon launcher will lose, so don’t even try other teams–the Pirates got you beat. Then the closest game of record happened, with the Pirates’ skills winning the game. As pitcher Matt said to me “wow, I think this is the first time I’ve been drunk while playing kickball, it’s more fun this way” I nodded in agreement. Indeed, drinking beer is fun. And a nice distraction from the FOTK player wearing the bloody intestine around the neck while playing. Uggg.

Danger Moustache 17 Key-tar-ded 3? I never made it to base once this entire game? Why, because we were playing the Moustache and we suck. I feel bad for the great players on Key-tar-ded, as some of us are seriously shitty. This is highlighted the most when playing a team like the ‘Stash. It was only the 2nd inning that I screamed “I fucking hate you ‘Stash. You are the bane of my existence!” The 2nd. What was I really screaming inside myself? “Sarah, why can’t you kick. the.ball and get on base, you are worthless!!” If the diaper rule was in effect I would have worn that thing. The diaper isn’t a mark of punishment as much as it is suffering. The ones who suffer wear diapers, and in this public forum, you can transcend beyond suffering. No on is coddling you, in fact they are laughing at you because you look dumb. You are feeling humiliation, and in that way, you have transcended beyond personal suffering. Thank you Moustache for giving all of us this opportunity to transcend and realize the spiritual beings that we are. And Key-tar-ded, hoe do you do it? How do you find white ties with piano keys and an assortment of keytars? You are brilliant, amazing, horrible kickball players.

Jackass 8 Fist of the Kickball 2 Jackass had this shit. When I heard people complaining that the FOTK didn’t have any ladies on the field, I empathized, yet, Jackass was taking this. I sipped light beer from the breasts of Heidi’s heaving front side, and in the next sentence she casually kicked the ball, placing it perfectly. What skill that team has. FOTK played well also. But not good enough.

FLICKR: remember to share your WKL photos on FLICKR. Look up WKL, or westcoast kickball league. Poetry: I have a reading this Saturday, let me know if you are literate.

love the teams this year!!!! love miss commish, Sarah