Danger is in the Shoulder, you Idiot, not your Fugly Face
Danger Moustache win
Darkside lose
It is the saddest thing I have ever herd in kickball. It wasn’t the crunch the brought a shiver to my senses, it wasn’t the scream or the people gathering in fear. it wasn’t Sheng of Atari saying she could pop it back in place, but it may ruin her career as a doctor to do that on the field. It wasn’t the dust. As Jayson lay there, missing a shoulder because it had ENTERED HIS BACK, it was his words, a whisper really: I just wanted to show up and have fun, play kickball. This is the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever heard as commish. Worse, after he was carted to the ER where he had the typical fucked up ER experience, Darkside continued to play, in good spirits, and lost. As the Moustache sat on their side of the field, shaken with alcoholism and fetuses, I looked at them—the sun lay behind their heads—and all I could see were their dark faces, no hair, no face hair—and no it wasn’t the sparks that disillusioned me, or the harassment suit—it was the simple realization that the moustaches weren’t there anymore. There are no fake pieces, the moustache is now an idea. Let the “danger” moustache learn something from Jayson—yes, they won a game, but now they are only an idea of conquer. He spoke the sincerest words I had ever heard when he moaned with his shoulder out. Now get some fucking sincere moustaches.
Questions I am often asked about my castration
Atari win
Ball Deep lose
Often people are curious when they learn of my castration,
so many questions I get: why did you do it?
To go deeper, more than just “a” ball deep, I need a new goal, a new limit, perhaps “balls” deep or “dick” deep. I was just not satisfied anymore with arts and crafts and choreography—the field is no longer a limit that can contain me, plus castration is the only known cure for Male Pattern Baldness.
Did it hurt?
Well it didn’t hurt me physically, but it did effect me socially; I lost my position with the boy scouts, and my kickball team isn’t nearly as exciting. There is also this residual thing inside of me—I think it’s my soul, and it is crying from deep inside, like an attic, blubbering about ego, achievement, and loss.
Did it effect your personality?
It definitely effected my personality, and for the better. I feel so calm now & I love to bunt. I am aloof like a unicorn, frolicking through the night.
Did it make you fat?
I did experience the decrease in metabolism and energy, but my appetite seems to have decreased with it. Consequently I have actually lost a few pounds since castration.
Where did you get it done?
Funny you should ask that; it was rather spontaneous, and while I had been thinking about it for a couple years, only in the “I’d never do that” kind of way, it all came to a head, no pun intended, on Wednesday when my balls were snipped with a pair of garden shears during our kickball game with Atari.
Dances with Meat
Keytarded win
James and the Giant Meat lose
“You are the only vegetarian I have ever known. I have thought about you a lot. More than you think. And I understand your concern. But I think you are wrong. The vegetarian the Keytards are looking for no longer exists. Now there is only a carnivore named ‘Dances with Meat. There was a time when meat roamed the kickball fields, whereas now the cans of sucked and crumpled beer litter the dugout dumpsters. Trash smells like trash and everyone keeps saying “that trash smells.” Indeed. That time of freedom has long since passed on, with its flavor leaving only a stale aftertaste. The BBQ is rotted, there are no greasy fingers. It is as if no one can even remember the time when Meat roamed the plains in majestic beauty. The last legend of Meat is a good one, often only left in vernacular, but for the first time gracing the keys of a board, a keyboard, and sung on the notes of a guitar, a Keytar:
All is not lost in defeat, games are not yielded with out battles, and battles you gave. Ah the dance of the man in a red thing, mocking the world in front of him, gyrating to 80s music. Dances that teased, thrust and soaked, taught us there is more than numbers in this game. There are thongs, legwarmers and Cut off sweater tops and yes: honor (along with a surprisingly firm, supple, pimpleless ass). This Meat will never be forgotten, and in this memory of its battles and honor, the Keytards become immortal.
Nyet you dat say Kickball is Fun, Then Nyet Show
Old People win
Jackass forfeit (but win the fake game)
I tell you jokes. In Amerika you have game called “kick balls.” Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and punishment is seven years prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. In Amerika, you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you! In Russia, if a male athlete loses he becomes a female athlete.
I am Ruski Komedian. Many Amerikans surprised to hear that we have Komedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there. This thing you call Jackass. They are dead, but they are there. Tis funny, nyet?