Westcoast Kickball League

You make fun of my Tenderness, me Tenderize you, arggggg!

Pirates  7 - Ball Deep  5

Hello dancing Pirate and date, romancing over Celine Dion or something like her, prancing the field over like the lofty lovers that you are. Wait, who approaches? Harken, dare I see an intruder, with a strap on? Yes, this man aims to do something. Oh look, he is pegging you in the head, Pirate, fucking you like a feral cat in heat. You are down. Your date is over.  Taunt point awarded. And now you have to play a game with the rapists. It must be difficult to play a child’s game with the ones who’ve violated you so deeply, and it shows as the rapists’ coven, going by Ball Deep, are watching your every move, usually laden with grace and sophistication. Now you are struggling for a win like neophytes. Every inning a close game, every ounce of sweat you gather near your heart, and they keep going with their aggression, now in the form of base running. You struggle, sure, but you are still in charge of your private parts, and now the field is a metaphor for your privates, as so often a victim finds strength in fighting a past assault in a new war, artistic, athletic, pornographic. This field has been yours since the birth of the Pirates, it has not changed, only swelled in maturation, a healthy bulbous womb of life, giving back to itself with triumph, giving to us with good-natured persistence. You are winning the war over your privates. You just did. You own you. And now you own the one who has raped your giant paper-mache head. All you need to do now is get it a pregnancy test. 

And You Keep Owning your Privates, even in Another Team

Old People 11 - Darkside  9

JT is gone, JT is flying. JT is missed, we all are wondering. Can Old People beat Darkside with only 6 players and no captain? Darkside start unbelievably strong with 3 containers of baked goods, all individually made, frosted, and branded with a medication brand name.  They are the most delicious downers I have ever had. How do Old People respond to this taunt? Get three members of the Pirates to fill in for their missing players, and play those Pirates in integral positions. Old People win. You know, I was rooting for the OP before the game started, and then as it went on, I started rootin for the Darkside. They had a full team, didn’t bitch once about OP’s add-ons,  and still gave delicious treats after the game. It doesn’t get easier than that. I willingly accept their bribes in little sugar bundles, and offer my support when 3 raped Pirates are on a “owning myself back” tirade all over the field. This was a very even-matched game, like all this week, but I really wanted the sugar fairies to win it. I mean the sugar goblins, or space sugar vixens. Especially since the umps have been giving them such a hard time (me) and they are the most creative with sugar on the league, and they kept their mouths shut the whole game about the Pirate helpers. Best part of the night? When someone from the Darkside’s dugout screamed a loud resonate Chewbacca howl. That should have scored them at least 5 extra points.  Well, at least they can still beat the crap out of Keytarded. 

Your Fast Pitching is Getting on my Nerves, says the Facial Hair

Danger Moustache 12 - Fist of the Kickball 7

Fist of the Kickball stick their fists of a moustached person’s butthole. Taunt noted. Moustache throw a cooler full of water balloons at the Fist. Just the idea of some Moustache minion being forced to sit and fill up one hundred balloons before the game while the rest of them pick things from their bellybuttons and talk about jacking off is well, priceless. Taunt won. FOTK haven’t won a game yet this season, but they keep coming so close. The game with Moustache was going well, better than some of their other games, but captain Jeff’s “fancy baseball pitching” got on the Moustache’s nerves. And when that happens, Moustache wins.  Each pitch was like a 2-3 minute strain on the batter as each waited by home plate for something moderate, something that wouldn’t make their ball shoot up in the air. Many did shoot up, and sailed over opponent FOTK with grace, ease, and anger. Really, each run scored was a statement that the Moustache are comfortable in their anger, even fluid in it. But just as much as Moustache scream at the other team, they scream at themselves, shouting things like “you suck” to a batter who has gotten out or “I can’t believe I let your sperm impregnate me” and the more interesting question arises, not who will win this game, but who will get pregnant next? 

Awesome vs. Slightly Less Awesome

Atari 7 - Key-tar-ded 6

Here are the facts:

Keytarded player captain Andy, sick—MEXICO SICK, player Brittany playing with fractured rib from last game, player Mike’s whole calf skin scraped from a diving catch, player Mindy forsaking her monthly income to steal taunt supplies from work, player Matt H having to play on a loser team, player Sarah bitching about being a disgruntled commish and a horrible kickball player. This is what this team did—they first misinterpreted (or reinterpreted) Atari’s name to be XBox and then Microsoft. Second, they tied Atari until the last second when Atari had 2 outs, bases loaded, and scored one run to win it. 

Here are more facts:

Atari are a very, very good team with players since the beginning. They have ump Bud, or “superstar Mcgee” as we call him, the best women on the league, a great record, and a 2-3 weeks absence on the field. Their taunt was smashing a keyboard up. Definitely misinterpretation. Keytarded= retarded people playing keytars. 

Atari won, Atari is all great, but who really is the awesome team in this scenario? Doth my bias speak truth?