Westcoast Kickball League

Danger is in the Shoulder, you Idiot, not your Fugly Face

Danger Moustache win
Darkside lose

It is the saddest thing I have ever herd in kickball. It wasn’t the crunch the brought a shiver to my senses, it wasn’t the scream or the people gathering in fear. it wasn’t Sheng of Atari saying she could pop it back in place, but it may ruin her career as a doctor to do that on the field. It wasn’t the dust. As Jayson lay there, missing a shoulder because it had ENTERED HIS BACK, it was his words, a whisper really: I just wanted to show up and have fun, play kickball. This is the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever heard as commish. Worse, after he was carted to the ER where he had the typical fucked up ER experience, Darkside continued to play, in good spirits, and lost. As the Moustache sat on their side of the field, shaken with alcoholism and fetuses, I looked at them—the sun lay behind their heads—and all I could see were their dark faces, no hair, no face hair—and no it wasn’t the sparks that disillusioned me, or the harassment suit—it was the simple realization that the moustaches weren’t there anymore. There are no fake pieces, the moustache is now an idea. Let the “danger” moustache learn something from Jayson—yes, they won a game, but now they are only an idea of conquer. He spoke the sincerest words I had ever heard when he moaned with his shoulder out. Now get some fucking sincere moustaches.

Questions I am often asked about my castration

Atari win
Ball Deep lose

Often people are curious when they learn of my castration,

so many questions I get: why did you do it?

To go deeper, more than just “a” ball deep, I need a new goal, a new limit, perhaps “balls” deep or “dick” deep. I was just not satisfied anymore with arts and crafts and choreography—the field is no longer a limit that can contain me, plus castration is the only known cure for Male Pattern Baldness.

 Did it hurt?

Well it didn’t hurt me physically, but it did effect me socially; I lost my position with the boy scouts, and my kickball team isn’t nearly as exciting. There is also this residual thing inside of me—I think it’s my soul, and it is crying from deep inside, like an attic, blubbering about ego, achievement, and loss.

 Did it effect your personality?

It definitely effected my personality, and for the better. I feel so calm now & I love to bunt. I am aloof like a unicorn, frolicking through the night.

 Did it make you fat?

I did experience the decrease in metabolism and energy, but my appetite seems to have decreased with it.  Consequently I have actually lost a few pounds since castration.

 Where did you get it done?

Funny you should ask that; it was rather spontaneous, and while I had been thinking about it for a couple years, only in the “I’d never do that” kind of way, it all came to a head, no pun intended, on Wednesday when my balls were snipped with a pair of garden shears during  our kickball game with Atari.

Dances with Meat

Keytarded win
James and the Giant Meat lose

“You are the only vegetarian I have ever known. I have thought about you a lot. More than you think. And I understand your concern. But I think you are wrong. The vegetarian the Keytards are looking for no longer exists. Now there is only a carnivore named ‘Dances with Meat. There was a time when meat roamed the kickball fields, whereas now the cans of sucked and crumpled beer litter the dugout dumpsters. Trash smells like trash and everyone keeps saying “that trash smells.” Indeed. That time of freedom has long since passed on, with its flavor leaving only a stale aftertaste. The BBQ is rotted, there are no greasy fingers. It is as if no one can even remember the time when Meat roamed the plains in majestic beauty.  The last legend of Meat is a good one, often only left in vernacular, but for the first time gracing the keys of a board, a keyboard, and sung on the notes of a guitar, a Keytar:

All is not lost in defeat, games are not yielded with out battles, and battles you gave. Ah the dance of the man in a red thing, mocking the world in front of him, gyrating to 80s music. Dances that teased, thrust and soaked, taught us there is more than numbers in this game.  There are thongs, legwarmers and Cut off sweater tops and yes: honor (along with a surprisingly firm, supple, pimpleless ass). This Meat will never be forgotten, and in this memory of its battles and honor, the Keytards become immortal.

Nyet you dat say Kickball is Fun, Then Nyet Show

Old People win

Jackass forfeit (but win the fake game)

 I tell you jokes. In Amerika you have game called “kick balls.” Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and punishment is seven years prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. In Amerika, you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you! In Russia, if a male athlete loses he becomes a female athlete.

I am Ruski Komedian. Many Amerikans surprised to hear that we have Komedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there. This thing you call Jackass. They are dead, but they are there. Tis funny, nyet?

Games 1,2, and 4 written by Bud, game 3 written by Sarah

Fist of the Kickball 10 - Ball Deep 9

The game started with the Lindsay Baker juggernaut rolling on, also with Lindsay Baker in a skin tight costume, but I am trying hard to wipe that from my memory. Ball Deep won the taunt, lost the coin toss and then proceeded to put up eight points on the Fist in the first inning.  Fist of the Kickball scored a goose egg in the bottom of the first and it looked to be another laugh against this year’s hard luck team.  As the game dragged on, the Fist managed to put up a point here and there, but oddly enough their defense tightened up and held Ball Deep to only one more run leading into the final inning.  As a matter of fact, Fist was only down by one point, 9-8, and had the last at bat.  After some conferring by head ump and scoreboard keepers, we concluded that this miraculously was the case, and that there actually was a kickball classic in the making.  Ball Deep took to the field with a hint of fear in their eyes over the realization that there mighty win streak was about to bite the big one.  I have to admit the next series of events was so utterly spectacular, that I did not commit them to memory, it was just too amazing for my poor brain to record.  Maybe Sarah can add to it if she wasn’t also blinded by the dazzling display put on by the Fist to win the game.  Fist captain Jeff was so elated he offered to buy the game ball from the league in celebration, Sarah sold it, but then we had to rent it back for the next game.

Old People 18 - Keytarded 17

Who is more senile? Old People or hipster Keytar players?  It was a tough call after Keytarded captain Andy did a brilliant, but misplaced, power point taunt against their opponent’s team name from last year, the Dead Yuppies.  Nothing was misguided though about Keytarded putting up ten runs in the very first inning, led by the powerful play of former Dead Yuppie, now Keytarded defector, Mohawk Matt.  It looks like Andy’s confusing taunt had just that effect on the normally stingy Old People defense, as they gave up a then season high seventeen points.  I mean even Sarah was getting on base, what the hell!  Unfortunately though, Keytarded’s defense wasn’t doing much better, and the scoreboard operator got quite the workout that night tallying all the runs.  It was Keytarded 17, Old People 16 heading into the bottom of the fifth.  Two elderly persons limped onto base, and someone came up to bat in what I think was his first game of the season.  The pitch was rolled and the die was cast, the mighty Old Person stepped up to his place in kickball destiny and ripped the ball to deep left field.  He caught the incredibly talented Keytarded outfield standing flat footed, and easily scored the two runs to win the game.  Keytarded was stunned, unfortunately not stunned silent, but stunned.  It was a hell of a comeback to witness.

Written from the Point of View of Dani and Jay, the “Fasting Couple” of Atari

Atari 18 - Old People 4

Hello game.  I have shit 5 times already today. It didn’t look right, but it may be so right that I can’t discern the healthful quality as my entire life has been a process of throwing trash into my system and watching what it looks like after thrashing through my bloodstream. I’m watching you from the sidelines of home base as the tiny wind storms of the week swirl around high-pulled Bermuda shorts and 80s game logos. I have been fasting for 2 weeks, cleaning out my organs, which abuse has tied to its wonderful world in the form of cheetos, beer, and cigarettes. My skin is limp to the touch and my lips are numb. I have found a new place with which to spread my identity into, a cup for my body to pool in and rest: I am a healthy person. I kick the ball and run toward first base, clenching my buttocks so I don’t leak out the vegetable juice which no only takes 15.4 minutes to run through my intestines. I am on base. I can play kickball and fast. I can beat your team by 14 points with shit dribbling down my leg. And I just did.

Pirates 11 - Jackass 7

Honestly, I don’t remember much of this game.  I was too busy celebrating our win, the wedding couple, and just having to much fun to have seen much of the game.  I remember the groom, Brian from the Pirates, running around with PBR cans tied ropes around his waist.  We all figured he was going to break his neck since he has shown a high propensity for face planting in right field.  Jackass played with their usual fifth of whisky style, but just didn’t seem to have the heart to beat the newlyweds.  All the teams, plus more had a wonderful time at the Dock after the games.  We were celebrating the newlyweds, our victories, defeats, camaraderie, and just Kickball in general.

You make fun of my Tenderness, me Tenderize you, arggggg!

Pirates  7 - Ball Deep  5

Hello dancing Pirate and date, romancing over Celine Dion or something like her, prancing the field over like the lofty lovers that you are. Wait, who approaches? Harken, dare I see an intruder, with a strap on? Yes, this man aims to do something. Oh look, he is pegging you in the head, Pirate, fucking you like a feral cat in heat. You are down. Your date is over.  Taunt point awarded. And now you have to play a game with the rapists. It must be difficult to play a child’s game with the ones who’ve violated you so deeply, and it shows as the rapists’ coven, going by Ball Deep, are watching your every move, usually laden with grace and sophistication. Now you are struggling for a win like neophytes. Every inning a close game, every ounce of sweat you gather near your heart, and they keep going with their aggression, now in the form of base running. You struggle, sure, but you are still in charge of your private parts, and now the field is a metaphor for your privates, as so often a victim finds strength in fighting a past assault in a new war, artistic, athletic, pornographic. This field has been yours since the birth of the Pirates, it has not changed, only swelled in maturation, a healthy bulbous womb of life, giving back to itself with triumph, giving to us with good-natured persistence. You are winning the war over your privates. You just did. You own you. And now you own the one who has raped your giant paper-mache head. All you need to do now is get it a pregnancy test. 

And You Keep Owning your Privates, even in Another Team

Old People 11 - Darkside  9

JT is gone, JT is flying. JT is missed, we all are wondering. Can Old People beat Darkside with only 6 players and no captain? Darkside start unbelievably strong with 3 containers of baked goods, all individually made, frosted, and branded with a medication brand name.  They are the most delicious downers I have ever had. How do Old People respond to this taunt? Get three members of the Pirates to fill in for their missing players, and play those Pirates in integral positions. Old People win. You know, I was rooting for the OP before the game started, and then as it went on, I started rootin for the Darkside. They had a full team, didn’t bitch once about OP’s add-ons,  and still gave delicious treats after the game. It doesn’t get easier than that. I willingly accept their bribes in little sugar bundles, and offer my support when 3 raped Pirates are on a “owning myself back” tirade all over the field. This was a very even-matched game, like all this week, but I really wanted the sugar fairies to win it. I mean the sugar goblins, or space sugar vixens. Especially since the umps have been giving them such a hard time (me) and they are the most creative with sugar on the league, and they kept their mouths shut the whole game about the Pirate helpers. Best part of the night? When someone from the Darkside’s dugout screamed a loud resonate Chewbacca howl. That should have scored them at least 5 extra points.  Well, at least they can still beat the crap out of Keytarded. 

Your Fast Pitching is Getting on my Nerves, says the Facial Hair

Danger Moustache 12 - Fist of the Kickball 7

Fist of the Kickball stick their fists of a moustached person’s butthole. Taunt noted. Moustache throw a cooler full of water balloons at the Fist. Just the idea of some Moustache minion being forced to sit and fill up one hundred balloons before the game while the rest of them pick things from their bellybuttons and talk about jacking off is well, priceless. Taunt won. FOTK haven’t won a game yet this season, but they keep coming so close. The game with Moustache was going well, better than some of their other games, but captain Jeff’s “fancy baseball pitching” got on the Moustache’s nerves. And when that happens, Moustache wins.  Each pitch was like a 2-3 minute strain on the batter as each waited by home plate for something moderate, something that wouldn’t make their ball shoot up in the air. Many did shoot up, and sailed over opponent FOTK with grace, ease, and anger. Really, each run scored was a statement that the Moustache are comfortable in their anger, even fluid in it. But just as much as Moustache scream at the other team, they scream at themselves, shouting things like “you suck” to a batter who has gotten out or “I can’t believe I let your sperm impregnate me” and the more interesting question arises, not who will win this game, but who will get pregnant next? 

Awesome vs. Slightly Less Awesome

Atari 7 - Key-tar-ded 6

Here are the facts:

Keytarded player captain Andy, sick—MEXICO SICK, player Brittany playing with fractured rib from last game, player Mike’s whole calf skin scraped from a diving catch, player Mindy forsaking her monthly income to steal taunt supplies from work, player Matt H having to play on a loser team, player Sarah bitching about being a disgruntled commish and a horrible kickball player. This is what this team did—they first misinterpreted (or reinterpreted) Atari’s name to be XBox and then Microsoft. Second, they tied Atari until the last second when Atari had 2 outs, bases loaded, and scored one run to win it. 

Here are more facts:

Atari are a very, very good team with players since the beginning. They have ump Bud, or “superstar Mcgee” as we call him, the best women on the league, a great record, and a 2-3 weeks absence on the field. Their taunt was smashing a keyboard up. Definitely misinterpretation. Keytarded= retarded people playing keytars. 

Atari won, Atari is all great, but who really is the awesome team in this scenario? Doth my bias speak truth?